Every couple of weeks, I scour the internet and the news looking for little gems to share with you. I try to find a way to relate even the dopiest of crimes to something that might have an actual bearing on your lives, and to let you know that it’s okay to laugh even when things seem pretty bad.

But ever since this virus took over, a lot of things seem REALLY bad, and it’s been harder and harder to find a way to add some levity, you know?

And then I learned that Kicks95 provided this roundup of stupid human tricks gone wrong last year, and I actually felt a weight being taken off of my shoulders. It was this little gift in a world that seems so bleak. And I thought to myself, Self: bring this to the people.

And so I shall.

The men your mamas warned you about

A lot of the Kicks95 list discussed the less-than-genius exploits of the less-than-fair sex.

  • A suspect was caught when his “loud farts gave away his hiding spot.” This incident occurred in Kansas City in July. The report didn’t say whether the suspect had beans for dinner.
  • A groom was charged with robbing a bank so he could pay for his wedding room and the wedding venue. As if it wasn’t bad enough, he was charged and the wedding was cancelled.
  • A Chinese businessman hired a hitman to kill someone who was suing him. The hitman subcontracted the killing to another hitman who subcontracted to another who – hired another hitman – who hired another hitman. All five hitmen were placed in custody. No word on the original Chinese businessman.
  • Man robs caricature artist. A man wasn’t too bright. He robbed a caricature artist. The police are now displaying the caricature in hopes of finding the robber.
  • Good guy is – not so good. A local hero for a day bought all the girl scout cookies two girls had so they wouldn’t have to stand out in the cold. He was arrested because it turns out he was also wanted by the DEA for drug trafficking.
  • A man tried “tried to strangle a driver who wouldn’t stop singing Christmas carols.” Part of the problem was – the attempt happened in early March. If it had happened in December, well, …

The ladies got in on it, too

Men don’t have all the fun, I guess.

  • NASA astronaut accused of first crime in space. Ann McClain, an astronaut aboard the International Space Station was accused by her estranged wife, according to the NY Times, of illegally accessing her bank account from space.

“Ms. McClain, now back on Earth, submitted to an under-oath interview with the inspector general last week. She contends that she was merely doing what she had always done, with Ms. Worden’s (her estranged wife’s) permission, to make sure the family’s finances were in order.”

  • Woman banned from Walmart. She was banned for “Riding a motorized cart while drinking wine out of a pringles can.” I cannot BELIEVE I missed this story the first time around.
  • Woman over-tips waitress. To get even with her husband, a woman tipped a waitress $5,000 on a $55.37 bill – using her husband’s credit card. The husband called the police. The woman was arrested for credit card fraud.
  • A teenager licked a tub of ice cream and then put it back in the store freezer. Sound familiar? It should.

Giving people a bad name

Ahem:

  • A man named Samuel L. Jackson was arrested for DUI and spurting profanities.
  • A man named Henry Ford was arrested for stealing cars in Detroit.
  • A man named Kevin Bacon was charged for crashing into a police car while watching “Saved by the Bell”
  • Both a Charlie Brown and an Elvis Pressley were charged in 2019.
  • Several people named Luke Sky Walker were also arrested in 2019.

<insert deep sigh of contentment here>

At Drew Cochran, Attorney at Law, you can rest assured that stupidity is NOT a crime – but ignorance of a law doesn’t necessarily help you out, either. Our experienced Annapolis and Ellicott City criminal defense lawyer will explain that the prosecution must prove criminal charges beyond a reasonable doubt. Defendants have Constitutional rights and other legal rights. Often, there are factual defenses. The evidence against you may be admissible. For help with any criminal charge, call us at 410-271-1892 or complete our contact form to arrange to speak with our lawyer.

And remember: Keep Calm – and Call Drew